The Necessary Turn Around

Haven't posted in a while... feel the need to extend myself farther then I have been lately.. I don't really want to do it. but keeping myself bottled up inside is just no bueno...



Here it goes...



I know that this life is not my own and even though I will say that I don't acknowledge the big man up there as often as I should, I know he knows that I know all things in my life are possible because of him. At one point I was so in love with my life I think I was a BITCH. Possibly too confident... and now I just have no confidence. Things are just falling apart in front of me and I have no idea what to do... I've prayed and Ive cried ::I'm crying now:: and it just doesn't seem like things are meant to go right for me. I wish I could just pour my entire heart out on this blog... but that too much personal business on the Internet thang is just no bueno. I've recently done some things that I would have never done on a normal day... all just to barely get by. I mean I know that college is hard and people are broke but when your hungry from not eating for days it's hard to have a positive attitude and believe that every body's stomach is growling as loud as yours. This life is sucking the life right out of me.



The decisions that you make in life are your own and you have to deal with them accordingly... and I know that this is true. But, it is damn hard not to feel like I'm drowning. Like I'm falling into a bottomless pit of sadness and strife. I need a pick me up. And i will say that I made an attempt this past weekend. I failed. Instead it (the weekend) was filled with petty arguments, death defying fights, immaturity, degradation, and choices that were just made in complete haste.



For the past 16 months I have been poked and prodded, pulled and shoved by a whole mess of BULLSHIT... and I need to place my feet firmly on the ground and move forward. If not, I am sure to break down and end up in a place where no one should ever be.



I need to stop letting people take advantage of my kindness, loyalty, and big heart while fessing up to the fact that its not the people in my life that are fuckn shit up but, it's me allowing them to do so. Living for me is a necessity right now.



I have been so downtrodden by these obstacles in my life that I've missed a good chunk of my life lately. Staying in the house, not doing the work that needs to be done, drinking way too much, crying every other day, never getting dressed, mad at the world. It all stops here. Right here right now.



two tears in a bucket... fuck it...





exhale