The Raven

Ok so Poe is a crazy Genius.

I love this poem.

Configuration of a HO

In my dimensions of Racism class today we learned about the Hip Hop the factors beyond the rhymes. One of the topics talked about were black women and how they are being objectified by black men. (And white men for that matter. The white CEO's of the record companies that put out this "gangsta" rap know what sells and (as my teacher says) just like in slave days the black woman's body is her selling point. Always has been and probably always will be) They asked some black men at Spring Bling, a BET celebration of black music, why they felt that certain women were ho's and bitches. They, the men, responded by saying that women, real women, do not dress like the women they were groping in the streets. Those women were bitches and ho's and deserved to be fucked and ducked (sorry for the language but this topic is deep for me and I do not want to block out any language). WOW! Is all I muster out of my mouth. I mean don't get me wrong most of these women were walking out of the hotel with nothing on. LITERALLY! But then there were other women who were actually dressed and expressed to the disrespectful "boys" that they did not want to be touched or groped. They were fondled anyway. Sad.

So here's my question...

What defines a ho and/or a bitch?

The way they dress or their actions?

Can I wear short shorts and still conduct myself in a lady like manner?

Is there any way that a woman could be sexy and not slutty?

Or is a sexy woman a slut?

I don know. You tell me. I'm soOo Confused.

Bit*h A*s English Teacher

So I've been out of commission because of some oral surgery that I had to have done last Monday. Because I was out of commission I was forced to miss a full week of class.

History:

Before my surgery I approached my English professor and explained to her that I was in extreme pain and had an emergency surgery planned for the beginning of the coming week.

To which she replied, "Just make sure I get the doctors note."

Sounds good right?

WRONG!

I take my week off not thinking any thing would be wrong. I e-mailed all of my professors a scanned copy of the doctor's note and not one, except for my English professor, had a problem. Do you know that this Bit*h gon tell me that I have to take zero's for all the days I missed

(note: every day in the beginning of class there is a quiz given pertaining to the readings that were suppose to be done in preparation for that class)

Those days include the doctors visits that I had to attend (please remember that I was in DIRE pain) before the surgery so that they could map out exactly how they were going to go about sawing my mouth open AND the recovery period. BIT*H!! Is all my brain could scream as she explained to me that she was making an exception for me because normally no matter what a student goes through, excused or not, if you miss 4 or more classes you automatically fail the class. I should be happy she says that she didn't just fail me. As I look at her with thoughts of how I'm going to get away with her death and fight thru the pain of opening my mouth to speak... I give her the nastiest look I could muster up and leave.

WHAT ELSE COULD I HAVE DONE? CAN SHE DO THIS?

Not only do I have to be present at all the rest of the classes, God forbid that something else happens, but I have to get a perfect score on the rest of the quizzes, nothing lower than a A- on the midterm and a B+ on the final in order to pass the damn class. I mean I've done great on all the quizzes I've taken before the surgery but

DAMN. CAN A SISTA GET A BREAK?

I've been in pain n hungry for the last 2 weeks and now i have to worry about this

Note: Withdrawing is not a option (2nd time taking the course)

Thanks Dr. Palumbo for you insensitivity and bit*hy I think I'm god attitude.

Go Fu*k Your Self.

Thanks.

"1.2 Trillion Vanishes From Stock Market"

The title says it all.

As the law makers said NAY to the $700 billion dollar Bail-Out the stock market crashed yesterday.

Because the bill did not pass scared investors sold all of everything they had invested in the market. From what I understand Republicans are blaming their very large amount of NAY votes (which was the cause of the bill's failure) on the words of the Democratic House Speaker. Supposedly she said something and they said Eff the Bill and ultimately eff the president. Yes that's right people, the people whom you elected into office gave a big wave and a FU*K YOU. (and then of course a lil giggle). So now Wachovia along with Washington Mutual have been brought out along with a few other banks) by, get this, smaller banks. Of which I've never even heard of. They're like

mom and pop for bankers buying out the 3rd and 4th largest banks in America. WOW!!! The credit market is currently frozen risking the lively hood of many small and large companies. Please be aware that with the credit market closed... loans, especially for homes, are going to be really hard to come by and layoffs are about to commence.

Poor 40,000 Wall St. employees won't be having a job in the very near future

Poor Business majors.

Poor America.

Poor Me.

The expert's are predicting it taking 15 years to get back what was done only yesterday.

Note: Former President Bill Clinton left office in 2001 with a surplus of $127 billion. President George Bush ran a deficit of $319 billion in 2005.That's $319 billion dollars in the hole 3 going on 4 years ago.

Thank you Mr. President.

Some one please kill me.

...

Thanks

being an alocholic

This is my confession post.

I AM A ALCOHOLIC

For some time now I've known this and have avoided it (the truth that is). The fuzzy memory's, hangovers, regrettable decisions, sometimes hilarious mistakes (but mistakes nonetheless), stomach aches, headache's, body numbness, kidney weakening, brain dumbing drinking has to stop! For quite some time now I've been telling myself that it's not that bad and as long as I'm not doing anything illegal it's OK. I like the feeling of being "nice". So hey, why not?!? Last night I drank way to much and for no reason whatsoever. And it has become a everyday thing. For some people it's a weekend thing but, for me a 40 or two a day is normal. Sad, but normal. I've decided that I want to remember these days of my life. College will be the experience that I pass down to my children. I am one of the very few members of my family that have even been in college, let alone facing a pending graduation as closely as I am. And most of these days have been blurred by my drug and alcohol usage. I love myself and my body and I'm SOoO not treating it that way. God help me stay sober. I feel like Neffie, Keysha Cole's sister. How sad. There has been some recent events that has brought about this epiphany. But none like last night. I had a great night (at least what I remember was great) but, I have no idea what I did after the black out occurred. I have no idea how I ended up asleep where I did. And I hate missing my life.

Now just so no one gets mad when they see me with a drink. I will tell you my plan for quitting.

1. Cut the drinking days down from seven to 2-3 days. Either Thursday- Saturday. Friday and Saturday.Or Friday -Sunday. Weekends only.
2. No more hard liquor and beer (malt liquor).
3. Drink in moderation on the days that alcohol is present.
4. Eventually take the 2-3 days down to 1 and then eventually none.

Sad that before I turn 21 I am so distraught and messed up that I have to take these actions. But it's a reality I now have to deal with. Please support this. That plea goes especially to those of you who still won't let me live for quiting smoking Cali.

Thank You

God
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the tings I can
And the wisdom to know the difference
Living one day at a time
Enjoying one moment at a time
Taking this world as it is and not as I would have it
Trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with You forever in the next
Amen.

Crazy Chemistry

I'm currently in my girl Sahar's chemistry class...

Her teacher clearly doesn't know how to teach.

He sounds like a idiot.

His definition for everything keeps changing and its really sad.

And I feel bad for everybody who is in this class.

Temple Teachers... GET YOUR LIVES TOGETHER!

thanks

Copy CAT!

LMAO... So everyone is doing these back to school blogs. Although, I thought about doing one I hadn't yet and I now see that I'm going to look like a...

COPY CAT.

Whatever, I digress...

I'm not loving my classes. I actually hate them. (I know... such a strong word right) I do not have one class that I'm interested in. VERY VERY SAD. Not only are my classes the f**k boring but my personal school life is frustrating. I've been damn near worry free for the most part of the summer and that portion of the semi-vacation was great! SERIOUSLY... thank you God for releasing that bull crap for me =).... I didn't miss the fakeness, bullshit... fuckery. And then it all comes rolling back.

I guess this copy cat blog is to say...

PLEASE all those who have made it their business to deliberately or think that they might bring any type of fuckery into my life. DON'T. Stay the hell away from me. Don't talk to me in the street. Don't look at me and smile.

Just stay FAR FAR away.

THANK YOU.

This way i can concentrate on MY bullshit and the bullshit classes I've enrolled in.

R.I.P Bernie

Kick IT!!!

Bak 2 Skool

YES!!!!
So i peeped these sneaks a while back and I've been trying to track then down in a size 7 ever since.
I FINALLY HAVE THEM!
THANK YOU UBIQ!
SO totally random that I just happen to spot them in the damn store but yea I bought em. GREAT FEELING.
Sneaker Fetish satisfied for the day.
Thank you, thank you. (bowing at the applauding audience)

Mambo Sauce

So yea I'm really late with this post...
(Eliana your keyboard is the pits)
I digress...
As I was sitting on my very comfortable couch and a very GoGo sounding (at least to me... im so far from an expert on that genre of music) video came on. Chris you were the first person that came to mind.
Name of the song: Welcome to D.C
Name of the group: Mambo Sauce.
All I could think of is how this man lives mambo sauce. Chris I know you've heard the song but it's new for me. So this is me thinkin im puttin up on somethin I know you love. (Just pretend I did... Thanks)

father who art thou

What is the definition of a father? Webster says... a man who has begotten a child. Some say it is a man who has forgotten a child. I will say, without posting my family's business all over the BlogNet, that my father is a certified ass. I have come to the conclusion some time ago that I will not feed this donkey or give it water.

I'd rather it die. Metaphorically not literally... it is still my father.

I hadn't had the opportunity to test out my new found skill of starving my biological Ass until the day before yesterday.

TESTED AND PROVEN TO DO WONDERS FOR THE SOUL!

IT WAS GREAT!

I FELT GOOOOD!

It was like for the first time in my life the bullshit didn't fall on my head. Rather, it fell on the floor next to me and I was able to pick it up with a trash bag, like the animal dung that it was, Tie it up tight, and fling it all the way to TIMBUKTU!

Great release... really.

So... this blog post is dedicated to my biological Ass of a Father. For tho I love you very much, which is the reason why i still call you dad, you are a habitual shitter and I've allowed my house, my place of peace, to wreak of your shitty smell for way too long. Please know that from here on out there will be no 3 day shower recovery period where i try to wash away the stain/pain of being shitted on. I have built a force field to your shit.

This is me confessing to being hurt and vowing to never be hurt by you again.

(normally I would be compelled to put the word tear in parenthesis here. instead I opt for a...)

=)

My boring life as CatLady

Hello All!
I know that I have been promising that I'll get back on my grind with the bloggin thang. But I have come to the realization that that might not be happening any time soon. I haven't really had any inspiration. I haven't been going through anything and I have no insight on any thing in America, or any other country for that matter, right now.
HOW SAD!
I am actually only blogging right now b/c Bonita is in town and I'm at the tech wit her and Marsha and I have nothing else to do. I do however want to say that I have two new men in my life. Their names are Fogul and Bleeker. My kitties! They are my precious' and I love them dearly. They have brought this sort of calm love into my home and Im diggin that for real. Bes believe that there will be pictures posted whenever my bootleg ass camera decides that it wants to turn on and take pictures right side up. LOL.
I'm copacetic with my love life. I'm so good wit my new roomies. Kinda missin my old ones. Lovin the new crib. Hoping that the doctor can help my kittens out (they're sick yall... they got really bad colds) Cant wait for the refund checks to come in. Need to get pampered by some Chinese ladies. Got to go food shopping before I starve. And that's really it!
Sorry if my life is uninteresting I came to that conclusion last blog. But, i have also come to realize that I really shouldn't write unless I have something intellectual or interesting to say so here it is.
God is love, life and happiness.

BORRR-INGGGG!!

Today I realized that I have no life. I'm broke and if someone else doesn't invite me to do something exciting I honestly have nothing to do.

What do you do when your bored?

I have already done the whole, "I'm bored... you're bored... let's be bored together," thang. And to tell you the God's honest truth it's not really working for me.

I NEED A LIFE DAMNIT!!

I know that in about a few months or so my life is going to get really serious and the only thing that I will be doing with it is school and work and I cant believe that I have nothing exciting to do before I can't do anything exciting at all. My God how I have fallen from my interesting cant get enough of me and my funniness "grace." I did more in high school with a curfew than in college. How pathetic. I need to plan a trip. With some friends. Do something on a whim and be exciting. Up and go to VA Beach for no damn reason but to go like I used to. I haven't left Temple's campus in like....... (yea it's been that long)

Please someone shock me with something exciting and get me off my ass.

PLEASE

Decisions, Decisions

I’m always doing something for somebody even when I’m not in the position to do so. When my people’s need help... I’m there and I just can’t help that fact. I have let many a people walk all over me this year especially in the last few months. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I decided to withdraw my charity from a special someone. And although I know deep down that it was the right thing to do (for me) I still feel SO bad. I’m still not happy! Most of the time I feel like the feeling will go away and that the emotion is just that an emotion, "it will fade." But, I can’t help but constantly think about how my life has been for the past couple of months and how it has changed me so. I'm going to miss the good things that steamed from the relationship that I lost. And I'm going to have to get used to doing a lot of things by myself. And that is honestly very scary for me. I’m scared of being so far gone that the transition will be long and painful. I miss the relationship already. I wish that I could tell you guy’s the whole scenario but I have a habit of telling all my business through messages on FaceBook and I honestly can’t result to that now. But, if the person whom this Note is about is reading, I just want you to know that like you have told me before all things will come to the light. If we are meant to be (either now or later) it will happen. I look forward to a friendship without the added frustrations. Know that if you ever need anything, regardless of who may say I’m wrong or not, I’m here. Hopefully you don’t keep my baby away from me. Other motha fuckas may say they miss him and want to see him. But that bond that I’ve created with him is deeper than any other female (no reassurances needed)… except maybe his mother. Wow I’ve already given out too much info. I digress. Listen. Keep in touch. Period, I’m going to always care.

Married to the Father

What happens to a woman when a man says he cares but knows deep down he doesnt?

What happens to a woman when a man says he loves but is only tellin that woman lies?

That woman becomes a menace to society.

Her heart freezes and becomes a ice berg.

She begins to no longer care about that man or any other for that matter.

She begins to think, "What if?"

What if she wouldn't have meet that man?

Would she ever have been able to acually love a man again?

"Maybe," she says to herself.

Maybe, just maybe, her heart would be ok. She digresses.

That is not the life she leads and that is not the heart she claims. Her heart is forever lost now. Lies have been told and feelings have been hurt. The man she thought loved God, was delivered from hell. He stole her heart and decided it was his to play with. She housed his supposed love and he pissed on the floors. She cleaned and scrubbed but couldn't erase the stain of his indiscressions. Her heart was broken. She would never again trust another. He said he was unlike any man especially, the men she delt with before.

He was right!

No man had ever broken her this way.

It was love.

She loved him.

She wasn't in love and thank God. If she was, not only would her heart have been broken, her soul would be condemmed into the depths of hell.

So for now, she claims, her heart is God's.

He is her husband and she knows he'll be with her until death...

Except, they will never part.

What to EAT!

I've been through so much and I've realized that I will continue to go through shit. For as long as I shall live motha fu*kas will always have some shit to do, say, write, etc... that is just gonna piss me off. I was on the fu*k it diet for a while and then I just decided that that wasn't the way to go. So I started to binge on givin a fuck and that totally didn't work out. Now I'm in between and I can't help but be totally and completely even more fucked up. I feel like I can't get right. I don't know who is who any more. I'm not even sure if I'm me. Who can I trust? And if it's better to be alone and no one really needs anybody but themselves... why does it feel so bad to be in that situation? Why is it that when people spend time by themselves for to long they begin to go crazy, if its good for you? Because it's not duh!!! So that leads me to my initial question. What type of diet am I really suppose to be on. Am I just suppose to be eatin shit without givin a fuck? Or am I suppose to be so picky I'm half way starvin myself to death? And if I decide to let it flow...who's to say I wont get like a tape worm or something and die...

(sounds of agonizing pain .:death:. )

To Do List

Study for finals
Take Exam on time
Go Grocery Shopping
Get Hair Cut
Clean House
Pack Clothes
Go See Chris and Calvin's New Apt
Say "Fu*k them other Ni**as"
Get Paint/ Furniture
Clean Old & New Apt
Paint Walls in New Apt
Fully move in
Light Some Candles
Crack a Bottle
Light a Black n' Mild
Sip/Inhale
Swallow/Exhale

M.I.A

Sorry that I've been MIA. I have had a lot going on the past week or so. Normally I blog to release stress or to express how happy I am. I've realized lately that I'm in the middle. I am neither extra upset/mad/pissed etc... or happy/ecstatic etc... so I claim that I have nothing to reevaluate. But today I have realized that I miss blogging and that I did blog for no good reason and it felt good when I did. I know that I don't have many readers but I do appreciate those that do read. I am sorry for those who have missed my ramblings and if u didn't miss me then fu*k you. lol. I guess this blog is suppose to sate that I am back. Seriously. Or at least after finals are over. I have been through a lot these past few weeks. I have met people and lost people and found things out about myself and lost things that i thought i knew. That confusion has led me to this blog tonight. That and that alone. Thank you to all of those who actually care about me. For all those who recognize that life is life and things happen and that you can only blame yourself for your transgressions. I thank God for my life and for showing me the true things in it. Fu*"k everything else. If you don't love me... hate me and go to hell. Period. Thanx for reading.

It'll Shut Down

My momma always told me that when your tired your body will just shut down. Forget the NoDoze, F the coffee, if it has to happen it will. I've been sleeping lately but I haven't been feeling like I get enough. 8 hrs or not I'm just tired. I don't know how I'm going to fix this problem because I've been trying a lot of different methods and I really cannot pinpoint what the hell is going on. I realized today as I missed my class because I over slept, that I really need to fix this little problem that I have. I went to class at 1:10pm instead of 1:40pm so I decided that I would sit in front of the door and wait for class to begin. All I remember after that is some really loud boy talking about something very uninteresting waking me up out of my great siesta. Then as I got up to walk into class I realized that it was over. GREAT Right?!? I know! I really need to fix this problem. I look like sh*t and the feeling is mutual and that's enough to make me wanna fix it. Please Help Me Sleep GOD! [as in the god of sleep] Bless me with a REM that lasts so long people think I'm in a coma. PLEASE! Seriously. Help Me.

An Observation

I'm watching him sleep with his son. So peaceful as Christina plays in the background. Am I ready for this? He's been staying here and I'm loving every minute of his presence. Loving every minute of his smile. Loving the way he makes me smile. Not ready to love him though. Conflicting emotions about whats right and whats wrong run through my mind all the time. Actually its more like whats socially acceptable and whats not. Trying to do me and not listen to outside influences but, I can't help but think about others comments on the relationship. But the way he makes me smile... he definitely infatuates me (which is slightly different from being infatuated). I ask again, "Am I ready for this commitment." I've already dug my hole and put one foot in. I'm not saying I regret that decision I'm just a tad bit susceptible about whether or not I can fulfill all of his, mine, our expatiation's. He doesn't seem phased by the uncertainty though. Taking it one day at a time is the motto he seems to follow. Am I wrong for wanting to look towards the future and feeling uncertain? Confusion as I type. Confusion as I watch him and his son sleep in the same position, calm as the Christina plays in the background.